After losing a pet, grief and guilt seem to go hand in hand. In addition to mourning your pet, you may feel consumed by a sense of responsibility for how things transpired, as if you contributed to or caused the outcome. But holding yourself accountable for your pet’s illness, accident, or death can leave you trapped in an impossible headspace of guilt and grief, especially when you blame yourself for things you didn’t do or could never control.

Why do we feel guilt after a loss?

Guilt stems from the desire to justify or rationalize difficult circumstances, such as sickness, death, and loss. An explanation for something so grave can make what happened feel more orderly and manageable, and be more accessible to compartmentalize rather than unexplainable, messy, and inescapable. 

Do we feel guilt or regret?

Guilt and regret are often used interchangeably, but their definitions can vary. Generally, guilt requires a conscious intent or awareness of wrongdoing while performing the action, while regret is a reflective emotion that emerges from something you had no control over or did not intend to happen. 

When you look back on the decisions you made for your pet, you’ll likely find that your motivations were pure, and focused on your pet’s wellbeing—including the decision to end their suffering with humane euthanasia. While guilt and regret are natural reactions to loss, and can both be valid responses, understanding the difference can help free you from unnecessary self-blame. 

Overcoming guilt and regret  

While you should not rush the grieving process, emotions such as unresolved guilt, self-shame, and regret are counterproductive to healing and properly honoring your pet’s memory. To help you understand if your feelings are rational or beneficial, consider the following:

* Guilt and regret are ever-present — Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty, and although our minds can make us feel many things, that doesn’t validate them. What happened to your pet was likely beyond your control, so no matter how many would have, could have, or should-haves you conjure up, the outcome likely would have been the same.

* Your intentions were grounded in love for your pet — You made difficult decisions and took challenging actions because you cared deeply for your pet, and at the time, these choices were the best available. Anticipating the future—especially in veterinary medicine—is impossible, so when things don’t turn out how you or your veterinarian expected, don’t hold yourself accountable.

* Know that you did the best you could in the circumstances — No matter how much you love your pet, barriers are a part of life. Finances, time, resources, and experiences can limit your ability to save, heal, or protect your pet. When faced with a dilemma, accept that you can only do your best with what you have and the knowledge you’ve been given.

* Imagine your pet’s life without you — Allowing yourself to fixate on irreversible events or forces beyond your control can make you blind to all the good you’ve done for your pet. If you had never met or adopted your pet, their life certainly would have been a lot different—would they have had the love, joy, and safety they enjoyed with you? Acknowledge your positive impact on your pet’s life, and express gratitude for their presence in yours.

Moving forward and honoring your pet’s memory

Allow yourself to grieve for your pet without judgement or overanalysis. Rationalizing your pet’s death won’t bring them home, but honoring their memory can keep them close to your heart. The next time you feel guilt or regret, turn these self-directed thoughts into an opportunity to honor your pet.

* Learn from your mistakes — Everyone makes terrible choices and mistakes. If you made an error in your pet’s care, take ownership of and learn from the decision to protect future pets.

* Remember the good times —Think about your pet’s best days or the day you met, and let those be your memories of your pet.

* Write your pet a letter— Explain your feelings and your actions, and then write back from your pet’s perspective. 

Seek pet loss support from others 

Understanding what happened to your pet from a different perspective can provide valuable insight, release you from guilt and regret, and help you heal. Speaking with your pet’s veterinarian about their condition and outcome may give you clarity. Our Pet Loss Support Groups can help you find comfort in a community of fellow pet owners walking through loss, or you can schedule a one-on-one personal support session with a compassionate Lap of Love team member.