In Loving Memory

Lily, we will miss you so much and thank you for eleven years of love. You will always be in our hearts.

I love you so much Hen. I'll miss you everyday. You were the sweetest, most beautiful girl in the entire world. The unconditional love you showed me made me the happiest person in the entire universe. I'll miss your soft fur, the warmth and weight of your fluffy body on mine, the sounds of your purrs and snores as you fall asleep on top of me. I'll miss you excitedly engaging and investigating anything I was interested in, just because you were curious about me and loved me. There are no words or phrases that can truly describe the love we had for each other and the bond we shared. I'll cherish you and our relationship forever. I was so lucky to have you, my Hen. I love you Hen.

Our girl will always be in our hearts, never forgotten, always remembered.

My sweet Sydney girl, you were my best friend, my little girl, my shadow who never let me out of her sight. You were a gentle soul who was loved by everyone and you put a smile on everyone's face once they met you. Thank you for almost 13 awesome years and the honor of getting to be your Dad. I think about you every single day and no words can express how much I miss you and love you. I am thankful that you aren't in pain anymore and I look forward to the day that I get to see you again on the other side, my sweet Angel.

Our dear Faye, you weren’t just a pet. You were our walking partner, our comfort and company when we came home. The house feels emptier. You were our favorite hello and hardest goodbye. Rest well my sweetheart. You will forever be in our hearts. You will always be missed and loved forever

If love could have kept you here, you would have lived forever. We will miss you barking at bird farts and falling leaves.

Gabby was an important part of our family and will be forever missed.

Bailey secretly was a little human stuck in a cat suit. He just lost the zipper. RIP to my little legend. I will miss you forever

Niner you brought so much joy to our lives. I know your running free through streams and green pastures now. Until we meet again on the other side of the rainbow, buddy. We miss and love you so much.

There are so many layers to this grief. With dad it was reaching back to him in far eras in time. His grief and memory was shared, with others, with a public. We could hold space together. Losing Mochi… this grief penetrates down to the most sensitive parts of my being. The private, silent moments, when I’m the real me. The most fragile, vulnerable me. The parts she personally witnessed when no one was around. It’s also the maternal layer of myself. The part she unlocked and made possible for me to even conceive of devoting myself to something, someone outside myself unselfishly, of caring for a child. She made me a mom and added that archetype into my inner vocabulary and narrative. It’s that layer that felt so helpless when she got sick two years ago. I was in such deep denial and blamed her for her symptoms. I ache knowing my negligence led to her getting sicker and sicker. What kind of mother would do that to her child? So when the time came, and we heard it was cancer. I knew in that moment that I owed it to her to do what I could, any heroic measures necessary, to give her a chance. The bowel resectioning, the subsequent chemo. Those 6+ months put us through hell, and gave us a preview of what grief would look and feel like in those days shrouded in uncertainty. When chemo was over, she slowly started to eat again. Miraculously (MIRACULOUSLY!) this tiny ragged senior cat, was born anew. She was gaining weight, her fur that had fallen out was not only growing back, but growing back as her KITTEN fur, ivory white and silky soft, a phenomenon from the chemo effectively disrupting and resetting cycle of fur growth. And even she, too, started acting like a kitten again, jumping on the piano, trying to eat the Christmas tree, the zoomies around the house, playing hide and seek with our hands on the bed, and the morning wakeup calls pouncing on me to get me to wake up. It was an amazing year and change. We got to reset and forget that I neglected her in the early years of post-partum. I took more pictures, I didn’t take her presence and attention for granted. I ingrained her into more parts of my life that I had shut her out of. I knew she was on borrowed time and wanted to make up for my failings. It was like love reborn. Especially in the mornings. Oh how I loved the mornings. This ritual lasted her entire life, up until when she got sick both times. My wake-up crew. I would always tell Hudson it’s my favorite part of the day. When my children come to greet me. First Mochi at 6am, she could hear me stirring and intuitively knew before myself that I was ready to wake up. She’d hop on the bed then make her way atop my side pillow and wait patiently and politely. Tapping me awake with her paw. I’d sometimes pretend to be asleep just to buy myself more rest. But most often I couldn’t resist petting her. She’d walk on top my chest and make herself into a cat loaf. And we’d lay there silently absorbing the warmth of each other’s presence. Her body locked in with my heartbeat and the rise and fall of my chest under her. After about 10 min, she’d scamper off. But then 10-15min little later, I’d hear the pitter patter of Hudson who would jump on the bed and curl up next to me in warm embrace. At first I thought it was out of jealousy, but I think it was partially wanting to also welcome Hudson to the waking world, but Mochi would come running in and jump on the bed, meowing loudly to be let into the cuddle puddle. The three of us relishing in this magical moment, our shared presence and warmth. This would happen every day. I never took that moment for granted. It was pure magic. This moment is followed closely by the end of the day when the three of us would fall asleep together in Hudson’s bed. Mochi at my feet, and then remaining the entire evening with Hudson on the blanket at the foot of his bed. First, I would read to Hudson, or he’d read to himself. Mochi would be on my side pillow next to me. Getting all her pettings and love. Then when she had enough, she’d walk to the bottom of the bed on the velour blanket and rhythmically make her biscuits on my feet under her until she was ready to curl down and sleep. ----- I can feel her all around me. When dad passed, I could feel an electric force around my head and my left shoulder. Buzzing with intense energy like he used to before he got sick. Mochi feels like a warm embrace all around me. Soft and immersive enough I feel like I’m inhaling her into my chest, and down to a cellular level With both, I don’t hear their voices, but hear my own voice in my head, but it’s saying things not originating from me, yet synching with my thoughts. The sky and clouds seemed to open up the day Mochi passed. The sunlight shining through as if I was witnessing the gates of heaven revealing themselves to bring her through. I keep seeing her in the clouds and the sky.. Her fur, her blue gaze. She was and will now always be the perfect embodiment of an angel. Her time with me so fleeting, but so life changing. I think she was sent from another plane to help me become who I’m meant to be. Her gaze. So wise, knowing, and profound. Not just human, but even wiser still. Like she comes from another plane of existence. Her gaze felt supernatural.